For someone who is a planner when plans do not go the way you made them it can be frustrating. Donny was a go where ever when ever kind of person. We learned to cooperate in this since I liked a plan and he liked to just have fun. Yet even still I planned. I had a plan for tonight last week. I knew what I wanted 2 years from now. And yet…all of those things have changed. My plans are ruined. My plans for tonight, my plans for new years eve and day, my plans for my birthday 3 months away, and my plans for the future.
Everything I know and was comfortable with has changed.
This trial is very difficult for me. I haven’t just lost a boyfriend, but rather a best friend. Someone that was a major part of my life. Now is just gone. Some days that is very hard to cope with and understand. There are little pieces of him everywhere. The cholula sauce in the fridge, the beanie on my desk, the Tiffany earrings that I love so much, or even the many pieces of clothing that he has bought me over the years. Going places that we’ve been together is hard. Thinking about the fun times, or the arguments that I associate with each place.
Yet, I am learning. I am realizing that I can be strong. I can go a day without crying. I can still have fun and enjoy myself. God is teaching me that he will give me strength. It is true you learn new habits and become closer to God in the midst of a trial. I’ve learned that I cannot dwell on the memories, or even come up with conversations in my head if he were maybe to talk to me. I just cannot focus on all of that. It only steals my joy and makes me sad. I simply must say “God make me strong!” I must choose joy.
God really does have a plan. A plan far greater than any that I could make. So even when my little planner self fails. I have to give it up to the ultimate planner. He knows all, and he knows the desires of my heart. He will show me his best plan!
Thank you all for your kind words, best wishes, and prayers. I really appreciate them so much!