I’m not sure how to write this, and I’m not even sure what to say. Yet, I know that my inspiration stops when I hold things back. How can I call it a lifestyle blog if I don’t share my life? I feel like I can’t write at all without this one step of healing. But it is hard. Because with every question someone asks, comes an answer, and the more I answer, the more real it becomes. That this is it. That we are no longer in each other’s lives. At the same time though, it doesn’t feel real. Nothing about us ever felt real.
A dream. A fairytale. Too good to be true. All things I’ve said, and all things I’ve meant. Because that’s what life became. Even through issues and arguments and hardships, it still felt unreal that I could get what had stayed in the back of my mind for so long. It felt like God had granted a prayer I had never even prayed. A wish that I had held secret and never let myself feel for so long. A deep friendship where attachment and devotion had grown for years could turn to love and affection. Something that could have felt strange didn’t and things seemed to flow so natural. And that’s what they tell you to do right? Date your best friend. And up until that point, I never thought it would happen.
So why, God? Why grant me something I didn’t ask for? Something so beautiful and something so good, only to take someone so incredibly precious to me away? Yet here I am asking why, knowing that I may not understand. God has given me sermons, and scriptures, and friends, and quotes, and songs, and reassurance that He has a plan. That His ways are far above mine (Isaiah 55:9). But sometimes that simple act of trust seems so hard. Because I don’t understand. I didn’t want to go through this. I always avoided it. Because if I could envision life with someone, it was always you. But once again, I can plan away for myself, but ultimately the Lord knows (Proverbs 16:9).
I can’t live in the “why” question.
I can’t stand around begging God “why?!” when life needs to move on. I have to ask why and tell Him I don’t understand but dry my tears and trust and hope in the love that He has given me and that ultimately He will be glorified. That He has something better. And just like before, I can know that if I thought this was good and perfect that whatever He has coming will far exceed anything my mind can imagine.
But moving on is hard. When someone is in your life for a few years it sucks to find your new normal. And just like I’ve said before, healing hurts too because with healing and growing comes forgetting and that is a completely different kind of sadness. But the thing is, it wasn’t just a few years. It was eight. Eight years with memories and conversations and laughs. Moments together or moments shared that built who I am today. Choices and decisions talked through that influence everything about myself. This person feels so much a part of me. And maybe that’s why it was so easy to love. So quick to jump in, head first, all in, no hesitancy. Because with each decision and each moment and every long conversation, I was in love. I cared for and protected and did all I could even before the love was there.
And as I move on, I can come up with a million reasons or ways this could play out. Because that’s how my mind works. It’s something that someone will put up with about me or maybe even appreciate like you did. The way my mind races and plans and thinks. That maybe you just need time and you’ll learn to love unconditionally and come back to me or maybe God knew that without that love I grew insecure and that’s why He told you no. Maybe I’m meant to have loved and lost you simply so nothing could stick in the back of my mind and make me wonder about the “what ifs.” But oh do I wonder. What if I meet someone who loves to cook, what if someone wasn’t allergic to cats, what if someone would pursue me so relentlessly, and what if you had tried and just committed. There is a million “what ifs” and what will happen questions but just like the “why,” I can’t live there either.
So here I go, just like before. I pick myself up and dust myself off and be strong and tough. A tough cookie like you used to call me. That’s what I am. Not strong by my own strength, but strong because I believe and know that Christ will get me through this. That just like before, He will mend my hurting heart. But see this time around things feel different. I’m not as broken and I’m not as in pain. Maybe it’s because I’ve done this loving and leaving before. I’ve come so close and believed and committed wholeheartedly that someone was it for me until they weren’t anymore. I know how to mend and heal and the process and all the things that come with it. But I don’t think that’s the only thing either. This time around I am different. My walk with the Lord is different.The Lord has sustained me before and He will do it again. Click To Tweet
This time though, I am not in so much pain as I am lonely. See I’m not just moving on from just a relationship. I’m moving on from a friendship. A bond that was formed a very long time ago and one that never broke even when so many things could have ended it over the years. I think that’s why it feels so strange, because every obstacle, every incident, everything that ends friendships, came at us and we overcome it. So when the very last thing that could end us came our way I knew that we could overcome that too. That the love and devotion we had shared for many long years could finally surface and finally win out. Because love always wins right?
Yes, Love does always win. Christ’s love for us always wins.
But that’s the thing. You have to pick it. We have to fight for love to win always. Without that fight it won’t win and without the will and drive to overcome anything and everything, we will fail. And we did fail. Because one person can’t be all in. It has to be both. Team’s don’t win off the will and drive of one person. They also don’t win off the communication of one person either. And I know I am so so so at fault here too. While I know you have some growing and learning to do, so do I. Learning to trust that God is in control and I am not. Learning to speak kinder and watch my tone. Learning to let go when I don’t agree or understand. Learning to be more like you and stay quiet and go with the flow. So much learning and so much remembering the qualities you have and the things which I want. As I grow, it helps me to remember you over the years and how I wish I could respond to things the way you did. To aim to be more like you and in turn more like Christ. I hope that you do the same. To see the bad and to see the good. To see all the things I truly meant to help you grow and to be a better person. Because that’s what teams do. They love unconditionally and push each other to be better. That’s what I was trying to do.
Through this whole process of attachment growing to love and love being hesitant and unsure, I have learned so much about Christ’s love for us. And that is beautiful. I’ve gotten to experience loving someone so unconditionally that I can actively see why God calls us as the church His bride and how I have loved a person to love how Christ loves us. Because when I wouldn’t give up when things got hard, neither does Christ give up on us when things get hard. When I would pursue past the pushing away, Christ does the same for us. That when we pull and tug and get uncomfortable, Christ continues to hold us and stands firm even when our faith may fail. And that is the beauty in all of this. Maybe, just maybe, that is why this all happened. That you may experience what a relationship is like and that I may learn all about how Christ loves us and calls us to love others.Christ continues to hold us and stands firm even when our faith may fail. Click To Tweet
I don’t know what life looks like without you, but I know that God brought me here and will bring me through it. It’s not easy and I don’t always understand. I still hurt and I still long for my friend but that’s when I pray. Pray for the Lord to take away the loneliness and to fulfill the whole that’s left. A prayer for the Lord to protect and guide you through this process. Prayer that I will glorify Him even in this season. Prayer that just like before, that I can use these circumstances to minister to others.
So as life changes and life moves on, I will start to do the things that I wasn’t doing while waiting for you. Exciting things, and good things. But still the moving on is painful too. Healing hurts because with it comes missing things and forgetting things and floods of memories. Mourning far more than a simple relationship but a long long friendship. Coming to the realization that the person who knows me better than I knew myself at times will forget about me too. So I constantly choose to focus on the good and the exciting. Focus on the memories we share and simply be incredibly grateful for the time I was able to love you.