Okay readers! It is confession time. I doubted myself. I doubted my job. I doubted my schooling. I even doubted Donny. I don’t know what was wrong with me. I really don’t. I was very stressed, and I wasn’t feeling good. However, all of those things are simply excuses. I do not have any type of good reason of why all those crazy thoughts were going through my mind. All I know was that I was completely emotional. I was crying. I was upset. Everything was just bad.
See deep in my heart I have no desire to be a teacher. Yes, I love little kids and I do love to teach them, but that is not what I really want in life. As much as I am spending on my schooling you would think I have to have a pretty strong desire to teach. Yet, deep in my heart all I want is to be a wife, homemaker, and mother. That’s all. I am simply only going to school to have something in my back pocket. I have always been taught to look ahead to the future. Looking ahead though means that I think if something were to ever happen to my husband I need to be prepared to have to support my family if he cannot.
It seems to be though that at times,
like the last two days, that I start to freak out and worry. Which I think is technically a sin. I was definitely not trusting in the Lord. I had all of this pent up emotion about how I didn’t want to be in school, and I didn’t want to work, and yet how I might have to work one day and that was a horrible thought to me. I know that was a run on sentence, but it was also a run on thought going through my head. I didn’t want to worry about all of that. I didn’t even want to think about it. Yet, the future is one scary thing!
That is when God gives me some amazing parents. Well I have always had amazing parents, their wisdom just really helped me in my time of utter crisis. They were able to sit down with me and simply talk out my options. They explained how being a liberal studies major didn’t mean I had to teach in a classroom, and how I might be able to work and still stay home with my children one day. It was all so calming once I took a step back and realized I have no idea what the future holds. I don’t know how much D will make one day or where we will even be living. So why in the world am I freaking out and worrying about it now? It really doesn’t do me any good.
So dear ones, that is what I am guilty of…doubting. Doubting myself, God, and many other things. Which is all so wrong! That is what I am working on. Not always looking so far forward. Sometimes it is okay to focus on the here and now.